speaking-inside

暗示

2011-11-29T08:31:00.000+08:00

我就似一直没有脚的小鸟，不能停下来，只能不停地往你心里飞去。

不能喝咖啡的我呼吸着我响往的咖啡香，却品尝着热巧克力。或许，人世间很多事情都是这个样子吧！你响往的并不是你拥有的。当我爱上你的那一刻时，我也爱上了星巴克的咖啡。还记得我第一次喝你买给我的星巴克Frappucino时，我喝到的是暗恋的脸红心跳与不知所措。那一晚，我呕吐了整个晚上。医生说我的胃病不让我喝咖啡。我不敢让你知道，因为我不想失去与你一起投身于你喜欢的咖啡香的机会。那一晚，我呕得胃都给翻了过来，但我还是微笑着进入梦乡。

2011 part 1

2011-11-02T14:13:00.001+08:00

Lord, I am thankful for everything You've done for me and given to me. I knew that I was Your masterpiece, and I believed that You created me; but I just couldn't help thinking that I was Your least favourite masterpiece considering what a wreck I had been. But, Your grace reached and lifted me. You proved to me again that You're faithful to me even when I wasn't faithful to You. Lord, I am thankful.

Lord, I would never think that my sister would have a chance to know You considering her character and attitudes towards Christianity. But, You used the pregnancy to show her how great and loving You are. When she told me that she could see Your hand upon her throughout the process of pregnancy, I was amazed beyond words! Only You could do such a thing. When she asked me to teach her how to pray to You, tears filled my eyes. I gave up on sharing with her and praying for her, because all I could see was how hard her heart was towards You. I never saw how powerful You could be, but You showed me just again Your power. When she told me she felt peace and joy in her heart after she prayed to You, I knew You've open the door of salvation. Lord, thank You so much! I promise You that I'll never give up on praying for anyone anymore!

Lord, I finally experienced a little bit of the 'it is well with my soul' moment. When I first heard the story of the man who wrote the song 'It is well with my soul', I couldn't understand how he could say that his soul was well after his four daughters died. But, I finally understood, not to the extent, but a little bit of it. I would never think that I could bring the show, Walk with me, to completion. But, I did. And, the good comments and testimonies were just so overwhelming when I heard them. It's not my work but Yours. I can still remember two months before the show, I wanted to give up. In fact, I prayed for an open door for me to give up. But, You comforted my heart and told me to go on. I couldn't believe that You could help me because those problems I faced then were just so huge, but You told me to trust You again and again. You told me to do my best and leave the outcome to You. You assured me that I needed to go through this process to see how faithful You can be so my faith would be challenged to the next level. Because, when You finally bring me into missions, there will be times that I just need to believe and press on. So, I struggled and finally surrender everything into Your hands. I remember telling You that I didn't want to be worried anymore, and no matter how big those problems were, my soul was well and I could give You praise. So, when You asked me to go to Bangladesh for missions just a month before the show, I knew I could go even there were still things that I needed get done. I was calm and I knew You were in control. To the day of performance, instead of being nervous, I was more excited than nervous because I knew it was time to see Your glory and miracles. Lord, did You know that I could hear You saying to me 'Now your faith has grown to the next level' when I was standing on stage listening to the cheering and clapping of hands. Testimonies about people being moved and touched have not stop coming to me until now, two weeks after the show. Thank You!

When I was asking why hadn't You provided me the money for the trip to Bangladesh? You showed me that money was always there. Lord, thank You so much for Your provision. Your provision is always more than enough! Now, I can't stand my lack of words!!! If only I had words that can express half my gratitude!!! God, You're super awesome!!!

Sponsored trip to the US next year? God, You know me just so well!!! You know where I want to go, and You know that I won't have enough money to go, but You're bringing me there for free!!! I want to jump up and down to praise You now!!!

Lord, I'm thankful for all the time that I had with my family! I'm thankful for my new born cute nephew!!! I'm thankful for Your hand being upon my sister and her baby, or we would have lost him. God, thank You so much!

I'm thankful for my parent's health!
I'm thankful for Bell's work!
I'm thankful for every single opportunity that You have given to my brothers.
I'm thankful for all the supportive friends I have!
I'm thankful for a good boss that I have.
I'm thankful for church members who love me.
I'm thankful for Calvin's jokes.
I'm thankful for Fai Chai.
I'm thankful for Aunt Paula.
I'm thankful for Joseph.
I'm thankful for Hai Chin who loves me with her whole heart even though I am the hardest person to love.

I'm truly truly truly thankful for who You are, Jesus!

23-08-2011

2011-08-23T15:32:00.002+08:00

Jesus had chosen to die on the cross for me, He went all out for me. Will I go all out for Him? Lord, I pray that You give me the strength to go all out for You!

19th of August 2011

2011-08-19T16:41:00.002+08:00

Another 16 days to the mission trip to Bangladesh, and I still do not have the money that I need for the trip. I was so tempted to ask around for support but when I was praying, I just felt that God was telling me that I should just wait for His provision. So, I am just going to wait. God, please make this waiting a testimony for Your name.

Psalm 30:5

2011-07-27T09:47:00.002+08:00

For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

2011-06-29T09:31:00.002+08:00

Dear brothers and sisters from GCC,

He says 'Masterpiece in the making'!!!

With love,
Lawrence

2011-06-27T09:09:00.003+08:00

I am humbled by Pastor Selina. The way she trusts God to provide. The confident smile on her face that says 'My-God-is-bigger-than-all-my-problems' just moves my heart so much!

I am humbled by Christopher Koh. The way he gives himself to serve God through struggles and temptations. Sometimes, the 'I-am-not-sure' leaks out of his defence wall, but it only shows me how powerful God is. Even when one is not sure, God works miracles as long as one chooses to follow Him.

I am humbled by Matthew P. The way he talks passionately about sharing Christ with his friends. When he looks straigth into me when I talk about God, I see 'Tell-me-more-about-God' in his eyes.

I am humbled by Jesus. The way He loves me and the way He enables me to love Him. The joy He gives is strong enough to guide me through the mountains and the seas.

2011-06-12T11:02:00.003+08:00

Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12

Father, I am trully thankful for the right You have given to my two friends to be called the children of God. After church camp, some of my questions are still left unanswered, but I am thankful. Nothing can bring me more joy than to see the lost coming to know You.

Father, please hear the cries in my heart for my family, Yuan Yuan and Kyle. Please give them the chance to call You Father. Father, I believe that they will come to know You because I can see their names being etched on Your heart.

Father, I love You.

2011-05-19T08:38:00.002+08:00

对不起，我并没有看到你在我布落格所留下的片言只字。终于，我看到也读到了。希望你不要误会我对你的留言故意不理不睬。

很替你高兴你找到了他。祝你快乐。

我为我的不懂人情世故而道歉。

2011-05-18T16:44:00.002+08:00

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
-As long as I love looking at her.

2. Smart?
-According to whose standard?

3. Preferred age
-Not younger than me!

4. Preferred height?
-I used to like tall girls, but I have no issue with heights now.

5. How about sense of humor?
-It's a MUST! I repeat, A MUST!!! I REPEAT, IT'S A MUST!!!

6. How about piercings?
-Not an issue.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
-How could she fall for me if she didn't accept the real me?

8. Pink hair?
-Ladies, pink hair only looks nice on Pink, the singer! Period! You girls don't try!

9. Mushy, or not?
-Depends!

10. Thin or fat?
-It doesn't matter anymore. When you have found someone who can communicate and share
the same dreams and passions with you, you know that the rest are just not important anymore.

11. Black, Brown, Yellow or White (skin color)?
-Not an issue.

12. Long hair or short hair?
- Not my hair so I don't really care.

13. Plastic or metal?
-METAL!!!

14. Smells good?
-Please?

15. Smoker?
-NO!

16. Drinker?
-NO!

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type
- Not really.

18. Muscular
-I love women with nice abs, butt and legs.

19. Plays piano?
-It would be a bonus.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
-It would be a bonus.

21. Plays violin?
- Cool!!!

22. Sings very well?
-I would love a girl to sing for me always.

23. Vain?
-Erm...

24. With glasses?
-If you can't see clearly pls wear glasses.

25. With braces?
-Not an issue.

26. Shy type?
-NO!!! But, must know how to act shy sometimes :)

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
-Strong minded and full of opinions!!!

28. Active or passive?
- Active PLEASE!!!

29. Tight or bomb?
-???

30. Singer or dancer?
-Both? :p

31. Stunner?
-Cool!

32. Hiphop?
-Hiphop, Ballet, Contemporary, Street Jazz...

33. Earrings?
-Not an issue.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-girlfriends/boyfriend-until-you-drop?
- Kill me!!!

35. Dimples??
-Not an issue.

36. Bookworm?
-Love books, but not bookworm!!!

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
-Yes!

38. Playful?
-A MUST!!!

39. Flirt?
-No!

40. Poem writer?
-IT WOULD BE REALLY REALLY REALLY NICE!!!

41. Serious?
-Yes. Be playful at the right time also!

42. Campus crush?
- ???

43. Painter?
-Not an issue.

44. Religious?
-Must love Jesus!

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
-Nope.

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
-NO NO!

47. Speaks 20 languages?
- I would melt just listening to her talking to me in 20 languages!!! I think people who can speak
different languages are SEXY and ATTRACTIVE!!!

48. Loyal or faithful?
-Both. What's the difference?

49. Good kisser?
- YES AND YES!!! MUST ALWAYS KISS ME!!! Kiss me baby one more time!!!

50. Loves children?
- YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!

2011-05-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

The Sun was hitting Titus hard with its rays. The wind was cutting him back and forth like a fast knife. Titus could hardly open his eyes, and the furthest he could see was an arm's length away. He was breathing heavily, and the irregular breathing sounds echoed a song of defeat in his ears. He could no longer stand, so he poked his sword into the ground to support half of his weight.

It was a good fight... for his enemies. His men died. He was the last one standing, wounded. The giants were mocking him now. 'The king of finghters, stand up and fight! Don't tell me you're feeling tired already! You sissy! Stand up and fight us!'

'My King, why did You send me out here to die? You promised to be with me, but look at me now! Look at how my enemies are mocking now!' Tears started to seep through Titus' eyes. He was full of hope, but he felt like giving up now.

'Titus, sit down.'

'Titus, sit down.'

Titus turned slowly and looked around to see who was speaking to him.

'Titus, sit down. I'm your King, sit down and proclaim my name, and I shall rescue you. This is how you should fight. Not with your sword and men, but with my name.'

Titus sat down slowly. The giants started to laugh and mock louder. Titus rested a bit. Then, He gathered all his strength to shout 'In the name of my King and my Lord, Azlan, you be defeated! Arr...!'

Out of a sudden, a very strong bright light shone down from the sky, and caused everyone to close their eyes. One second, two seconds, three seconds... one minute, two minutes... seven minutes had passed, and the bright light disappeared. Titus open his eyes slowly, he looked around and there was no one.

There was no one.

Titus won just another battle.

2011-05-08T11:37:00.002+08:00

I was listening to 'Come to Jesus' by Chris Rice, and thinking if my friend would get done what he has promised. Then, my dad called and told me that my sister was having a bit of bleeding again, which was not good for a pregnant lady. I was nervous but I had to call my sister to calm her down. My heart broke when I heard the fear in her voice. I prayed and claimed God's promise. He promised that He would take care of the new life in my sister's womb. I chose to believe in His promise, so I told my sister that Jesus would take care of this new life. She said she believed.

Jesus, You are the only One who has never failed or disappointed me. Again, I am affirmed that I can trust You.

I am not sure if my friend will fail me, I can only be worried about it until he finally fulfill his promise. But, Jesus, I can rest in Your promises even I do not see them now.

Lord, forgive me for disappointing You, always. Let me be faithful.

2011-05-08T11:34:00.002+08:00

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live

2011-05-08T09:34:00.002+08:00

Lord, can You hear the howling of wickedness in my heart?
Lord, can You hear the whisper of righteousness in my heart?
Lord, they are at war...

Oh Lord, the whisper has become louder and clearer...

The lost visions

2011-05-04T14:07:00.003+08:00

'I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses'-- Joshua 1:3

It was in a prayer meeting, where I first received the gift of seeing visions, God gave me a picture of me stepping on lands and mountains, proclaiming His name. I held up the staff that God put in my hand and I saw the word, Joshua, flying accross the sky.

When I was about to give up, God told me that He would make the sky my blanket and the land my bed. The stars would be my guide lights and everywhere would be my home. It was then, I told God that I would never build my own house, I would build His.

God, can You see that I am about to give up again? Can You see that I am afraid? Can You see that I am frustrated? God, whatever that You see or do not see, please look into my heart and know that my heart is still burning for You and the peoples who are yet to hear Your gospel. God, my heart is aching to reach out to the lost souls.

'Be strong and very courages. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.'-- Joshua 1:7

I saw God putting the scroll of the law into my hands. I saw God feeding me His words and they were sweet.

For many times, God told me not only to be strong and very courages, but also not to turn to the right or to the left. I failed. I failed many times. He surely did not give up on me, because He is telling me that again.

Can You hear the echoes of my heart? They are trying hard to echo to Your righteousness?

2011-05-03T16:22:00.003+08:00

I stand firmly on the ground that I have gained through Christ, looking at the threshold of Heaven and I tell myself I can push forward even though I am tired. I can, because there is a new body waiting for me there, I can wear-out this mere mortal body.

2011-04-29T09:04:00.001+08:00

Hai Hai, I love you.

2011-04-26T10:05:00.003+08:00

If I believe in the resurrection of Christ and the eternal life in heaven, I do not have to worry about the things that I do not have here on earth, because the perfect world is awaiting me. It is not too far away.

Lord, let me use whatever I have here on earth to glorify you.

2011-04-21T11:16:00.002+08:00

1 Coronthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."

God, I'm learning to love You more and more each day. Thanks for involving me in Your perfect plan. I'm thrilled by the glimpse of Your plan.

2011-04-20T14:54:00.003+08:00

'Are your shoulders still hurting?'
'Nope. I'm feeling much better.'
'Shall we go home?'
'No...'
'Where do you want to go then?'
'I want to go to the beach.'
'Are you sure you're okay for that? I think you should go home to rest.'
'I'm okay. Please, I really want to go to the beach.'
'What if I say no?'
'What if I say no to your no?'
'Then you win. Let's go.'
'I want to go alone'
'No! I must go with you.'
'Why?'
'Because I must.'
'What if I say no?'
'What if I say no to your no?'
'Fine. Let's go.'
'Why don't you want me to go with you?'
'...'

2011-04-20T11:54:00.004+08:00

I can't breathe. How I wish I could swap with you and bear all the pain for you. You're lying there like an angel with broken wings. You look so weak, and you're so quiet. The pain has definitely driven out the bubly character of you. You once told me that you're an eagle with broken wings, you could no longer fly but to rest in my arms. I asked you why did you choose to describe yourself as an eagle, you told me that because you're strong. True, you're strong, so much stronger than I am. There was a big gap between the two of us, I didn't have the courage to get across it to you, it was you who sacrificed everything to get across it to put your arms around me to tell you that you loved me. I told myself that I would never let you be hurt again, I swore to protect you. But, here you're on the treatment bed, going through the pain and I can't do anything to help. Even to give you a kiss, I am afraid that the physiotherapist might see it. You're lying there motionless, almost lifeless. No, you're not an eagle, you're my angel.

Are you blaming me for my lack of courage to admit my love for you in public? Are you hurt by me being a coward again? My heart breaks when I see tears seeping out your closed eyes. I kiss your tears away and I taste bitterness. You were happy and full of energy. You were hopeful. You were lifely. You were sweet. You were innocent. But, I can only taste your bitterness now. I dare not let you know that I know how you feel inside, because I wouldn't know what to do if you were to talk to me about this whole-admiting-my-love-for-you-in-public issue. So, instead of telling you I'm sorry, I ask you if you're feeling the pain.

Jacob, will you give me some time? Give me some time to be strong for you. I'm afraid of losing you, but I'm also afraid of the eyes of the people. If I could, I would keep you i the front pocket of my shirt, so that you can listen to my heartbeat that echo your name and my love for you. I want to keep you safely in it so no one can look at your beautiful face with admiration or lust anymore. You're like a fallen angel, so beautiful that you attract girls and guys to you. You attract me, every part of me.

Give me some time.

2011-04-20T09:07:00.004+08:00

I'm lying down flat on my stomach on the treatment bed. I'm not afraid though I'm in great pain. I guess my face has turned so pale due to the pain because you look just so worried. I turn my face from the left to the right, may be I want to avoid seeing you feeling worried for me, or I just don't want you to see my pain through my facial expression. You walk over and put your hand on my waist, I shiver a little because your hand is so cold on my bare skin. You ask if I can stand the pain, I turn my face to the left again to look into your worried eyes to tell you I'm fine. When you're leaning over to kiss me, the physiotherapist walks in, you freeze and mumble some words that I don't care listening to because I know it's just how you act when someone walks in on you showing love to me, and you stand up to tell the physiotherapist to do what he has to do. Do you know how much I hate it when you're afraid to show your love for me in public?

I fought with my parents and left home for you, but all you can do now is to be afraid. I know that you've been very good to me. You've given me every single thing that I need and want. I guess I'm a person with great greed, I just think that that's not enough. I need more from you. I need to make sure that you're forever mine. A man like you can charm anyone, just anyone to fall for you. And, may be, one day you'll finally give your whole heart to one of those you've charmed and leave me alone. I'm not sure if you've realized that I've given you my whole heart, if you were to leave, my heart would go with you and leave me alone with a void in me that nothing would ever fill it again.

The physiotherapist starts fixing cabels on me, then he explains to me that he needs to use the electric current to relax my muscle from the spasm. He leaves. You walk over and kiss my forehead. You ask gently if I'm having pain. I close my eyes, I just don't feel like answering you now. You comb my hair with your fingers. I really hate it when you're so gentle with me, the courage that I've summoned to hate you always dissolves in your gentleness. Suddenly, tears start seeping out my closed eyelids. You gently kiss away my tears and you tell me the pain will be over soon. The pain on my shoulders are fading, but the pain in my heart is increasing. My heart hurts because... I'm not sure if I'm hurt because you can't give me certainty or because I doubt.

2011-04-15T14:55:00.001+08:00

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

2011-04-05T08:34:00.000+08:00

Romans 15:20 Lord, grant me strength to it.

2011-03-31T14:25:00.002+08:00

On a really dark night, you can see between 1,000 and 1,500 stars, and there are millions more that haven't been discovered. It is so easy to think that the world revolves around you, but all you have to do is stare up at the sky to realize it isn't that way at all.

2011-03-31T12:09:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, it's not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth.

2011-03-31T12:06:00.001+08:00

Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back.

2011-03-31T12:05:00.001+08:00

The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been.

2011-03-31T12:03:00.000+08:00

Do you know what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home? What we had wasn't about sex, or about being with someone just to show off what you've got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person. I was lucky enough to have her all along.

2011-03-30T08:52:00.002+08:00

I think I was born with autism in me, may be a mild one. Fine, it is not a tough job for me to look people in the eyes to talk, and I have no problem talking with strangers. But, just like any other autistic kids, I have built my perfect world, a place where I run into when I get so tired of the world that the rest of the people live in. I talk a lot, but when the voices around me start to rise towards me, all I want to do is to run into the perfect world that I created and pretend that I am all alone.

Have you seen how an autistic kid flap his hands against the both sides of his body? Have you seen me bending and stretching my feet until they hurt? I do not know why, but I recently realized that I do that very frequently. I sometimes wish that I could walk with my feet bended and stretched. I peel my nails and sometimes I pull them out. I like how they hurt my fingers and toes.

I watched a movie for seventy-two times and I still want to watch it. I always feel very tired after watching a movie because I use up all my energy to watch a movie. When you are following the story of the movie, I am watching how the colour of the door matches the colour of the wall and how the actors act their hearts out but the location of the cup in the scene is just so wrong. I can even see the piece of paper that is near the door but disappear the next moment. So, I can never understand how people can hug their boyfriend or girlfriend while watching a movie? Do they not pay attention to the movie the way I do?

No one touches my books! Period! If I arrange them this way, they are meant to be in this order until I decide to rearrange them. And, do not fold my books!!!

I like to arrange the notes in my wallet, and I just need them to be in the order that I am familiar with.

I correct you when you say something wrong, because it is wrong. You think that I hurt people sometimes? It is not important to me. It is wrong and it is wrong.

I find it hard to fit in, most of the time. So, I do not try to fit in. I lead people into my world.

What's the guy's name on first base?

No. What is on second.

I'm not asking you who's on second.

Who's on first.

I don't know.

He's on third. We're not talking about him.

Welcome to my world.

2011-03-18T12:12:00.002+08:00

我觉得好累。

我什么也不要，我只要阅读一本好书，或者一片好文章。

我只想疯狂地与自己共舞。

2011-03-14T09:32:00.002+08:00

I wrote this in 2009:

'i felt so frustrated during the marching practice. i just couldn't hear the tempo of the music, i either marched too fast or too slow. i prayed and i finally got it right!

do i miss the tempo in life that Jesus has set for me? ya, i'm sometimes too slow, and most of the time too fast. i guess that's the reason that i get frustrated. let me pray and hear the tempo again.'

Lord, sorry. I love You. You know that the one thing that I want to do forever is to love You...

2011-03-14T09:11:00.002+08:00

If only I could tell you how thankful I was to be in church yesterday, but words were just not enough to express...

When was the last time I felt thankful because of a chance to be in church?

It was not like I did not want to go church, but attending church had become just another routine to me.

But, yesterday, I felt different. I wanted to be in church and I was so thankful that I made it there after work.

Jesus, again, You told me that you have given me the authority to speak. I should not be fearful anymore! I do not want to be fearful!

I enjoyed the dinner we had after church.

God, can I thank You enough for all that You have given me?

2011-03-13T09:32:00.002+08:00

if you were to ask me for the one thing that i would do for the rest of my life, i would tell you it would be to love you. but, it might not be entirely correct because i would want to be able to love Jesus for the rest of my life also. of course, i do not mind spending my whole entire life spreading the gospel. so, what would be the one thing that i would do for the rest of my life?

2011-03-02T15:48:00.002+08:00

it's not a good day for me, definitely!!! all i want to do now is to walk into this coffee shop to have a glass of iced vanilla latte. i'm sure i will buy some flowers for you just before i leave. of course, i won't be leaving that soon, i want to enjoy my coffee and my book, House Rule. i don't like Jacob. i like Theo. my eyes are closing now.

2011-02-25T15:26:00.002+08:00

你都把话藏在心里，那我又该如何去聆听呢？难不成你要把片言只字都放进信箱里给我邮寄吗？让我听见你的声音，好吗？

2011-02-24T10:51:00.002+08:00

鞋字半邊難，半邊佳，一步難，一步佳。

做人總要信。

2011-02-23T08:54:00.002+08:00

小公主跟着她落败的父王离开了，留下了孤独的牧童。战争前，牧童牵着小公主的手告诉她不要害怕，因为他一定会守护着她。她满眼泪水地望着牧童什么也没说。小公主是感动的，但她知道事实并不可能那么简单的。弱小的牧童岂能守护她呢？

城门快要被攻陷了。敌兵嚣张的呐喊声越来越响亮了。小公主溜到了牧童的家里，她害怕了，所以她需要他。牧童把小公主带到他的破房子里去。小公主说她非常地害怕，牧童要她闭起眼睛什么都别想。小公主闭起了眼睛。突然，她听见了一阵阵悦耳的喇叭声，她还嗅到了一股淡淡的花香。小公主的心不再害怕了。她张开眼看见了牧童手拿着一朵大喇叭花在吹奏。

"这是什么？”小公主问。
“喇叭花呀！”牧童回答。
“是吗？那你怎么用它来吹奏呢？”小公主又问。
“我也不知道。我只记得妈妈对我说过，只要心里有爱与信，多难的事都可以做到。我不想看见你害怕，所以就想给你吹奏一曲来安抚你。但是，我没有乐器，所以我只好凭着爱与信去为你吹奏。”

原来，小公主错了。能守护她的并不是强大的武力，而是爱与信的力量。

孤独的牧童只能对着天际吹奏了，希望遥远的小公主还是可以听见他为她吹奏的爱。

2011-02-22T15:53:00.002+08:00

或许，在爱上你之前我从来就没有真确地爱上一个人吧！要不然，我怎么从来没有害怕过失去？也从来不曾因为别人不信任我而生气？更不会在自己响往自由的心扣上一个对你承诺的枷锁？

原来，爱是需要勇气的。是耶稣给了我勇气去走上这一条我不熟悉的道路。是耶稣给了我那勇气去相信自己可以为你做好自己。是耶稣给了我勇气接受了扛起自己以外的天空，你的天空。

爱是......
我很讨厌画画，但我却愿意为你画。

2011-02-21T13:52:00.002+08:00

Love is...

I have been alone, but I never let anyone come into my life because I know only you can fill that place of my heart.

2011-01-28T08:41:00.004+08:00

The Way Back definitely falls under my definition of good movie. it is not exaggerating in anyway. i never like movies that have scenes that are so exaggerating just to try to grip the emotions of the audience and those scenes are sometimes overmade. there is no trying-too-hard-sort-of-soul-stirring-background-music. there is no i-love-you-and-please-don't-leave-me-or-i-am-crying-my-heart-out-sort-of-scenes. throughout the movie, you see only determination, desparation, pain, struggles, loyalty, and the awesome acting skills of the actors. i was touched by the movie, but the touching did not come like a gushing wave, it was like the smell of a cup of good coffee. it seep into my heart and stayed. exactly twelve hours after the movie, the emotions started to ooze out from my heart into every blood stream of mine, and i cried so hard.

Colin Farrel was never my cup of tea, but he got me as his fans in this movie. he was so believeable in the movie. he was just good.

The Way Back, a must watch.

2011-01-27T14:42:00.004+08:00

你看见彩虹了吗？它就那么缤纷四色地高挂在天空。每一道彩虹都提醒了我耶稣的应许。我知道我可以相信耶稣。我可以相信耶稣给我的家，就算是浪迹天涯，有了你就有家。

2011-01-25T08:54:00.002+08:00

i am sorry.

i want to take this opportunity to appologize to you for hurting or offending you with the entries of my blog.

i admit that i was immatured and i did not handle the situations correctly.

to all my readers, i want to apologize for writing without thinking on my blog.

forgive me.

from now on, i will be more careful with what i write on my blog.

2011-01-09T09:45:00.003+08:00

this is the ninth day of 2011, i haven't started anything new because i'm still caught up with handling the old issues. but, it's ok, i'm really not very keen on running into anything new, simply. i want to take this year slowly, i want to really enjoy and make the most out of it. i don't want it to be like 2010. throughout the whole 2010, i was merely surviving through it. i was busy getting things done and settling with heart broken issues. no, i will not let events and issues wear me out in this year. this is the year for me to grow and surrender. this is the year for me to make decisions that will change my future, so i will spend my whole year listening to Jesus.

highlights for 2010:
1. my end of year trip to Genting and Melaka with Hai Chin, Benjamin and Joseph-- i would
really want to tell you all about the trip, all the fun that we had, but it would be a bit too long.
so, let's just skip it. ok, i miss Eric and Papa.
2. Youth Quake-- God spoke to me so much through people (adults and youths) to encourage
me. it was such a joy to have the opportunity to run the workshop for the young people. i
know there were things that i could have done better, but i still thank God for sending young
people to encourage me that they learnt a lot from the workshop. i thank God for giving me a
chance to experience His faithfulness through the workshop. i thank God for the old friends
and new friends i met in Youth Quake. suppers were good.
3. Christmas party organized by Gateway City Church-- i don't think i can ever forget the "pork"
i ate and my "fluent" hokkien.
4. Christmas carolling with Gateway City Church in E-gate-- it was awesome!!! i had so much
fun. i laughed so much. i was so moved. i was so touched. i was so humbled. i thanked God so
much.
5. celebrating Jolene's birthday-- i love all my fun and crazy friends.
6. buying the Cross for you as Christmas present-- i so wanted to "kenakan" you and make you
think that it was a ring.
7. Vacation Bible School-- let's not talk about all the scoldings from different people for no
apparent reason, i enjoyed serving with people whom i loved dearly. i enjoy seeing the smile
on the faces of the kids. i enjoyed the time we spent crying together during preparation.
Jolene, Cheryl, Christina, Charmaine and Calvin, i love you guys so so so much!
8. musical-- Pirates of the I don't care-ribean.
9. teaching Joseph and Benjamin math.
10. Starbucks mug and tumblers.
11. making her first trip to Melaka possible.
12. my family was always there for me throughout the whole year.

darkness of 2010:

1. trusted him wrongly-- never expected to receive persecution and false accusation from him.
2. losing a friend who trusted only what she could see with her eyes.

human heart is just a simple shelf. there's only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.

2010 ended. i thought i would i be missing it, but in actual fact i thank God that it went by so quickly.

2011 is here. i want to grab every single second of it.

2010-12-16T12:22:00.002+08:00

i was so touched when Azlan told Lucy that she would learn more about Azlan in her world by another name.

i had to held back my tears when told Eutace that extraordinary things happen only to extraordinary people.

i was so moved when King Caspian said "for Azlan" and "for the lost souls".

i could not agree more when Eutace said "no matter how hard i tried i can't change myself... Azlan did it... it's a good pain".

i hope when the day comes for me to lay down my sword and go into the Kingdom of Azlan, i will see a smile on His face knowing that He is proud of me because i have been faithful.

i do not want to be big. i can be as small as the mouse, but i want to be as faithful too.

i like Narnia- The Voyage Of The Dawn Trader.

2010-12-14T15:58:00.002+08:00

some people walk with you through the ups

some walk with you through the downs

some walk with you through the ups and downs

you ought to be thankful to all these people

for choosing to walk with you

i thank you

i am thankful that you once chose to be my friend

2010-12-13T10:54:00.002+08:00

i read her blog and my eyes were filled with tears. my heart was broken into pieces when i read 'Nowadays instead of walking into a house of love, joy and warmth, I am greeted with a courthouse of judges and juries'.

i finally understand the story that i once read. i cannot remember exactly, but it goes like this:
a woman who sells her body to men to make a living for her daughter and herself was visited by a missionary. he asked her if she had asked for help, she said yes but there was no help offered. the missionary grabbed the opportunity thinking that it was a good time for him to offer her help on behalf of Jesus, so he asked her 'why don't you go to church with me? you can get the help you need there.' the woman looked at the missionary with her tearful eyes and said 'i'm already feeling very bad about myself, why do you want to bring me to church to make me feel worse?'

what is left with a church if there is no grace?

when we look around to judge, can we please just take a second to think if Jesus would do the same? i know Jesus is not all about loving only, He rebukes and punishes; but He REALLY LOVES! He does not rebuke or punish so that He feels good or so that you know that you are wrong. He does not give you i-told-so kind of feeling. He does not force His way in, He allows you to see His way so you can CHOOSE his way. Ultimately, when He rebukes, He walks with you throughout the whole process of getting things right.

what right do we have to judge if we do not have the love to walk with the person?
what right do we have to believe in my-way-is-the-only-way?

what is left with a church if there is no grace?

2010-10-27T11:19:00.001+08:00

Lord, I really don’t know how to pray for the situation I’m in anymore. I feel so tired and words have definitely given up on me. You know exactly how I feel. You know exactly what kind a person I am. You know my weaknesses and strengths, my ups and my downs, You just know me inside out. I don’t have to defend myself before You, and I don’t have to show You how sorry I am for the things I have screwed up, because You know I am sorry.

Lord, give me Your strength to keep quiet and trust You. Lord, give me Your love to respond to everyone the right way. Lord, give me Your patience to wait upon You. Lord, give me Your joy to endure every hardship. Lord, give me Your wisdom to face each day.

I can’t decide how long I want to live, but I can decide how well I want to live for You. Lord, I keep my wings and lay me down, I open my eyes to the things that I can’t do and the things that I don’t know, and You humble me. Lord, I will not fly until You tell me to. No one can bring me down again, not that I am strong, but because I have chosen to wait upon You. I want to do my best, so help me Lord.

2010-10-20T13:48:00.001+08:00

One night in a church service a young woman felt the tug of God at her heart. She responded to God's call and accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior. The young woman had a very rough past, involving alcohol, drugs, and prostitution. But, the change in her was evident. As time went on she became a faithful member of the church. She eventually became involved in the ministry, teaching young children. It was not very long until this faithful young woman had caught the eye and heart of the pastor's son. The relationship grew and they began to make wedding plans. This is when the problems began. You see, about one half of the church did not think that a woman with a past such as hers was suitable for a pastor's son. The church began to argue and fight about the matter. So they decided to have a meeting. As the people made their arguments and tensions increased, the meeting was getting completely out of hand.. The young woman became very upset about all the things being brought up about her past. As she began to cry the pastor's son stood to speak. He could not bear the pain it was causing his wife to be. He began to speak and his statement was this: "My fiancee's past is not what is on trial here. What you are questioning is the ability of the blood of Jesus to wash away sin. Today you have put the blood of Jesus on trial. So, does it wash away sin or not?" The whole church began to weep as they realized that they had been slandering the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Too often, even as Christians, we bring up the past and use it as a weapon against our brothers and sisters. Forgiveness is a very foundational part of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. If the blood of Jesus does not cleanse the other person completely then it cannot cleanse us completely. If that is the case, then we are all in a lot of trouble.

2010-10-20T13:22:00.002+08:00

i took a step backward to look at the situation, though it is still not clear, but i am not that angry anymore. we are all human beings, we make mistakes. i just need to learn how to be more humble, and continue to let God help me to change. it is hard. i was so tempted to write my part of the story with names mentioned, but i held back the urge of desire and thought for awhile, and i realize that it might cause more harm that i can handle. what if the young people read? i have my right to form opinions on certain people, they have the right too! it would not be right for me to influence them on their opinions for certain people, especially in a negative way. things are not easy for me not, but i know God is telling me not to give up. Luke 18:1-8. i am going to pray before i make any decision. i will stay if God wants me to, or i would leave. now can be the end of the period for to be where i am now, may be. praying. for now, i need to finish what i have started, then i want to go into a bit of a silence, for God knows how long.

2010-10-15T11:57:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYBzwRq5ZTg

She is not only a good singer. She wrote this song to tell people about the eternal life in heaven. I was so moved to see how she thanked her Lord and Saviour, Jesus in front of thousands of people. I thank God for a singer like her, good, famous and for God!

2010-10-14T09:27:00.002+08:00

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all
Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

Chorus:
I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

Have to lose my breath
There's no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door
And every road that I've taken
Led to my regret
And I don't know if I'm go'n make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

My levees are broken
My walls are coming down on me
My rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!

2010-10-14T09:12:00.002+08:00

Lord, I'm broken...

Tears have run dry on me,

I don't know how else can I express the hurt in me?

I thought You had sent him to the church to lead me,

but I have only been trampled down.

Lord, I believe that You are my perfect porter.

You rebuild me when I'm broken,

rebuild me into a more pleasing person in Your sight.

Help me to be more faithful.

Lord, help me.

I love You, Lord.

2010-09-14T13:12:00.002+08:00

when you thanked me for loving you as a brother, i was thankful deep inside my heart for having a chance to love you.
i know i'm too far away from the person that Jesus wants me to be, way too far. but, i thank Jesus for His grace. He doesn't look into my weaknesses and failures, He looks into me with the eye of grace, and He continues to allow me to be the big brother for you to help and guide you on your life journey.
i used to wish that i could do better and that wore me out because i tried so hard on my own. now, i finally learnt about 'let go, let God'.
i'm not perfect, may not be even close to good, but i love Jesus and i love you. with this love, i know i can do it.

2010-08-16T10:10:00.005+08:00

I am feeling so tired of walking on this road. My heart tells me to give up every single time it beats, the air that I breathe into my lungs echo a message of giving up in my body, and every tear that my eyes shed blur the vision that You have given me.

God, can I give up? God, I will give You just anything as long as You allow me to give up!!! Please do not put the burden in my heart anymore!!!

I can see rainbows which represent Your promise from the picture above, I know technically I will see Your promise at the end of the road, I know I need to hang in there and walk on the road. But... the road is too long and too dry...

2010-08-15T09:16:00.026+08:00

i have seen lots of great dances and awesome dancers,

but i remember only you,

but i remember only your moves,

but i remember only the dance between you and me.

even if my memory is as short as a gold fish,

i will always remember your moves...

because some things are meant to be remembered forever.

2010-08-13T15:44:00.002+08:00

i would have concluded yesterday a bad day, but dinner with Bertie, Magdalene and Hai Hai at Passion of Kerala changed the supposedly bad day into a very good one.

2010-08-12T09:18:00.002+08:00

dad, mom and i discussed on Acts 1, and we prayed. it's such a good time. a family should always spend time reading bible and praying together.

2010-08-05T13:25:00.002+08:00

i have so many things to be thankful for today.

i thank God for the wind, it blows and makes the leaves and branches dancing just outside of the window. when i am tired of staring into the computer screen, i lift up my eyes and i see the dancing leaves and branches. they move my soul, spirit and almost move my body.

i thank God for coffee, it keeps my mind on the "high alert" mode, and its smell is just wonderful.

i thank God for Hai Hai, she brings the coffee and also does the jobs for me so i can be doing my other job. she opens my eyes to see wider everyday. she teaches me the meaning of sacrificing every moment.

i thank God for a job, it pays my bills though my pay is low.

i thank God for lovely bosses and colleagues, they help me in my work and they make my working life interesting.

i thank God for Angelina Jolie, she is SEXY (the word of the day from Cordilia).

i thank God for many things, they help me to see the faithfulness of God.

i thank God for who He is. He is AWESOME (the word of the day from Hong Ee).

i thank God for a heart to be thankful.

Zsoltárok 121

2010-08-02T14:44:00.000+08:00

1 Grádicsok éneke. &Szemeimet a hegyekre emelem, onnan jön az én segítségem.

2 Az én segítségem az Úrtól van, a ki teremtette az eget és földet.

3 Nem engedi, hogy lábad inogjon; nem szunnyad el a te õrizõd.

4 Ímé, nem szunnyad és nem alszik az Izráelnek õrizõje!

5 Az Úr a te õrizõd, az Úr a te árnyékod a te jobbkezed felõl.

6 Nappal a nap meg nem szúr téged, sem éjjel a hold.

7 Az Úr megõriz téged minden gonosztól, megõrzi a te lelkedet.

8 Megõrzi az Úr a te ki- és bemeneteledet, mostantól fogva mindörökké!

Salmos 121

2010-08-02T14:40:00.002+08:00

1 Alzaré mis ojos a los montes,
De dónde vendrá mi socorro?
2 Mi socorro viene de Jehová,
Que hizo los cielos y la tierra.
3 No dará tu pie al resbaladero,
Ni se dormirá el que te guarda.
4 He aquí, no se adormecerá ni dormirá,
El que guarda a Israel.
5 Jehová es tu guardador,
Jehová es tu sombra a tu mano derecha.
6 El sol no te fatigará de día,
Ni la luna de noche.
7 Jehová te guardará de todo mal,
El guardará tu alma. 8 Jehová guardará tu salida y tu entrada,
Desde ahora y para siempre.

Psalm 121

2010-08-02T14:37:00.002+08:00

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip,
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 Indeed, He who watches over Israel,
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you,
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm,
He will watch over your life;
8 The LORD will watch over your coming and going,
both now and forevermore.

2010-08-02T11:52:00.002+08:00

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to Uncle Har Yong,

happy birthday to you.

2010-07-30T14:11:00.004+08:00

i made myself a cup of coffe with the 3-in-1 white coffe that you bought for me. the moment i brought the coffee into the office, its smell filled the whole room and all my senses were awaken to the fullest, either by the smell of the coffe or the essense of your love. i took a sip of the coffe and... mixture of great tastes lingering in my mouth and mixtures of wonderful feelings and emotions filling my heart.
you are the cup of coffee that i need in the morning.

love is a language that the deaf can hear and the dumb can understand

2010-07-30T09:32:00.009+08:00

have you stopped trusting?

have i stopped trusting?

why do we trust?

why do we not trust?

trusting is not about seeing, that is believing. trusting is when i close my eyes and i am stll very certain that you are walking by my side. trusting is using my heart not eyes to look into you and know who you are.

if we have not learnt how to trust, let us first put our trust in God.

don't trust me, but would you trust Jesus by trusting me if He has brought me into you life?

2010-07-02T16:54:00.001+08:00

happened.

so many incidents.

will i still have the capacity to love?

yes, i will, because He has.

2010-07-02T16:48:00.002+08:00

i sighed...

bye, Anya.

can you tell Jesus that i have always loved Him though i have failed Him many times? can you tell Jesus that He broke many hearts by taking you away but we still love Him, for who He is?

2010-07-02T16:27:00.002+08:00

i don't sigh because life is short;

i sigh because you don't know it's short.

do you know how you tore my heart into pieces when i first saw you lying in the stretcher having the cervical collar around your neck? Looking at the wounds on you and hearing you screaming for pain were the hardest things to handle for that day, and when you told me to give you a hug because you were feeling cold, i just wished that i could undo the whole incident, or just take your place for you. and i finally knew how much i loved you when you told me in the stretcher that you loved me. you're not just my brother in Christ, you're my brother.

what can i do to help you see that i love? the most important is what can i do to help you see that God loves?

2010-06-25T16:04:00.001+08:00

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.” (Jeremiah 23:24)

2010-06-25T08:31:00.007+08:00

when i was much younger, everything was just so certain. from the basics to the "excitements", my parents were just there to make sure that things would happen the ways that they should be or the ways that had been planned. i have to admit that life was a little boring and dull then, but i actually did enjoy the certainty that i had. i did not have to worry about anything because everything was planned, i just had to walk into them and they would happen. i knew they would happen before they actually happened. because, everything was nicely planned for me, i was sure that no matter what i were to do, accidents still would not happen. my little heart then was not enjoying the certainty so much, or should i say it was not appreciating what it had then. my heart always longed for something adventurous or out of the norm. my heart brought me to dream big and far. my heart brought me to fly, fly so high in the sky and i was not afraid because i knew if i were to fall i would just fall back into my parents' plans.

my little heart dreamt.

my little heart flew.

my little heart went to the far away land.

and uncertainties hit!

i thought i would lose myself to the uncertainties. i thought i would be overwhelmed by unknown. but, i have been feeling peaceful. sometimes, i am shaken and i feel fear growing in me, but i am never overwhelmed because i know it is to Jesus that i have given my heart. He is my certainty. no matter how fast the things around me change, i know that Jesus does not change. when uncertainties hit, i might be shaken, but i am not broken because Jesus holds me in His hands. when my eyes see only hopeless and failure, i turn my eye to look upon Jesus and in Him i see hope. when my ears hear only criticisms, i turn my ears to listen from Jesus and from Him i hear acceptance. in Jesus, my heart dream, fly and go afar.

my little heart dream.

my little heart fly.

my little heart go to the ends of the earth.

and His hands reach.

Jesus, hear me pray. I surrender those people that I have loved and hurt into Your hands. I surrender also to You, those whom I should have prayed for daily but failed to do so. Lead them to be the persons that You want them to be. Walk with them on the paths that You have set for them. Jesus, forgive me for showing them only failure, and help them to believe that no matter how many times people around them fail them, You are always faithful. Jesus, give me strength to walk again, to walk with You, and to walk with them, those You have brought into my life. Give me strength to pray for them, always. Let me die to myself. Teach me how to love.

it's a privillege to love

2010-06-17T14:17:00.001+08:00

2010-06-11T13:17:00.002+08:00

i realized that i love you when i saw myself

learning to like things that i didn't like just because you like them

learning to do the things that you don't like less

learning to be romantic

learning to accept my faults

learning to live for you

2010-06-08T08:10:00.002+08:00

while i was walking from ICU back to my ward, tears were fighting so hard to break through the veil of my eyes, i tried to fight back the tears by breathing hard. the corridor suddenly seemed so lonely and long. Uncle Har Yong, i thought i had let go of you... but, you came back when i was performing CPR on my patient, and my heart was torn to pieces again. i miss you.

the life of the dead is as long as the memories of those who loved him. then, i want to spend my lifetime remembering you, for your love and everything that you did for me when there was no one else.

2010-06-07T09:50:00.004+08:00

阿旭

我一声不响地离去，那是因为我想自私地在你记忆里留下我的永恒。

看着你痛苦地问我离去的原因，我觉得胜利了。

至少，我挽回了些尊严。我知道自己曾经告诉你我的付出是不需要回报的，因为你是我的朋友。其实，我骗了你也骗了自己。或许，那是我唯一把你留在身边的方式吧！

曾经，看见你痛苦时，我是快乐的。

我并不是因为你的痛苦而快乐，我是因为那可以留在你身边安慰的机会而快乐。

不知什么时候开始，你快乐起来了。你总是因为其他的朋友而脸上挂着笑容，我开始担心了。

我恨你的朋友，我生气他们，因为他们都把我的付出变得渺小了。

我害怕你的离去，所以我必须先行离开。这是我唯一挽回尊严的方式。

对不起，我只有不停地怪罪于你，那么我才有勇气离开。

原来，我一直期望回报的。一开始，我就在计算回报了。

阿雅

2010-06-03T08:48:00.000+08:00

Pa, hold my hand and walk with me.

2010-05-21T13:19:00.001+08:00

i ate the most wonderful fish and chips yesterday. it tasted of love, i guess that's why it tasted so good. thank you.

2010-05-21T13:04:00.002+08:00

i didn't like the old lady for being extremely long-winded, but she moved my heart when she limped from one side to the other side for her husband who was in the sick bed. it's so hard to move her over-sized body with the two tiny uneven legs, i think that's love.

2010-05-11T17:39:00.000+08:00

本来无一物，何来惹尘埃？

2010-05-09T19:46:00.003+08:00

when she told me that she doubted what i told her in the sms, i felt so sad and down. i guess i was a bit naive to believe that friends always trust each other. my mood was so bad that i couldn't even taste the curry chicken rice that i always like. i non-stop telling myself "it's ok, may be she never took me as her friend", but my mood just got worse and worse.

after lunch, i went to teach my first drama class with Groove music. i felt so ashame of myself for dwelling in my mood the moment i saw and heard from the teens who came for the class. how can i share Hope with all these broken teens if i non-stop letting myself to dwell in my stupid bad mood? my tears almost gushed out my eyes when i was listening to this guy who was adopted when his parents gave up on him. he brought me to a nearby place to eat roti planta after the class. we talked a lot. and, i decided that what people say about me is not important, unless they love God and love me enough. what God says about me is more important!

God, i'm sorry for feeling pity for myself when i've already had everything from you. God, help me to share with those people that You've brought into my life. i want to share my blessings with them, and most importantly to share Jesus with them.

God, help me to love You more!

2010-04-16T11:19:00.002+08:00

my back is hurting, again. i wonder if i need an operation to fix it?

i fell asleep and drooled on the pillow a little when i was having my physio session. i was too tired to stay awake to feel the pain.

received a video clip from Xin Ping, it made my day.

i love life!

2010-04-15T13:09:00.002+08:00

my sister told me this when i was a young boy, she said friends would never stay with you for forever, either they leave or you leave. some leave because they have to, some leave because there's no more reason to stay. i didn't believe her because i thought there must me some friends that had been bound by love and they would never leave. but, now, i believe her. to spend my time loving a friend? i guess i would rather spending my time watching a good movie or reading a good book.

i want to thank those who love and don't love me, and also to those who stopped loving me.

2010-03-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

i have been banished...

2010-03-15T16:10:00.002+08:00

Just let me tell you how much I hated when people told me that they were jealous of me because I could talk well, I hated it to the point that I wished to become a dumb! When I was a kid, whenever I got into a fight with someone who couldn't talk well (that happened pretty often, I guess it's not easy to get someone who could talk well then), the adults would somehow think that I was at fault because I could talk and the other person could only cry. I guess, in general, people think that if you can talk you can take care of yourself, so they don't have to try to be on your side. Though, I had never gotten a real punishment yet (i was the adults' pet :p), but I just didn't like to see the faces of those people who said "Pity the kid who fought with Lawrence, sure he was taken advantage on..."

Thank God, my parents had never judged me the way the world had just because I could talk.

When I was in high school, whenever a girl fell for me, everyone in the school just viewed it as I flirted with her, just because I could talk well. I mean they didn't even care that I had never given a shit of that girl. Oh my gosh!!! I seriously wished that I could just kiss a guy in front of the whole school and pretend to be a gay!!! Now, you know how frustrated I was?

Thank God, my parents knew better than that.

Home is always a place that I feel so comfortable to talk and not to talk.

Now, I don't hate the ability to talk, but it does bring me frustration sometimes. The only time I enjoy talking is the time that I talk about Jesus. Ok, I may not be good at it, but I really love talking about Him.

So, people, please don't tell me that you're jealous of me just because I can talk. I always like how my sister keeps quiets in front of people, and she just doesn't care what people think, she can just stay in her own world and stay quiet.

Reading is the only time I possess thousands of words without saying them out.

2010-03-08T09:43:00.002+08:00

He has knocked on the door of my heart again. Tears filled my eyes when i was talking about missions and the without-Him-people. i am coming!

p/s: i guess some people were not made to be friends. they tell you all about Him and how much you should work with them together to serve Him, but the next second they ignore you for no reason, not that they have given any reasons before to ignore you. i guess they strongly believe that you should live your life according to their mood.

2010-03-07T07:48:00.002+08:00

if i were to pick two incidents to be regretted about in 2009, i would choose the incidents that i was being disobedient to God, that i did not say 'No' and i trusted my friend... i cannot even bear looking at him now. who was lying? he or she?

2010-02-25T09:08:00.002+08:00

曾经，我对天涯海角充满了憧憬，无时无刻都在期待着向天涯海角出发流浪去。为了什么流浪？我不知道。

认识了神之后，我知道我流浪的目的了。我要为了生命与福音而流浪。我要与耶稣在天涯海角里畅游，没有想过自己需要一个落脚的地方。

海海，当你对我说休息是为了走更长远了路的时候，我知道我找到落脚的地方了。一个让我落脚又不会阻止我继续为生命与福音流浪的落脚处，甚至还可能和我一起流浪去，去更高更远的地方去散播爱，去更黑暗的区域为受困的生命照亮。

曾经，我以为我的世界是辽阔的，但你的出现让我看到了自己一直都活在井底里。你让我的世界变得宽阔了。

2010-02-23T10:05:00.003+08:00

I once told God not to send me to Thailand, Singapore, Taiwan or Japan, if He were to send me into the missions field. I did not want to go into those mentioned countries because I did not like either the cultures or languages. I told God to send me anywhere but those few countries. I guess the real reason that I could say that I did not want to go into those countries was because I had not sensed the heart of God concerning missions, and I definitely had not known His love for the different nations.

I recently started having so much of love, joy and pain in my heart the moment I think of missions, and I just cannot stop thinking of missions. Tears always fill my eyes these days, tears of joy and pain, just as soon as I start praying for the different nations or thinking of missions. It is really weird because I am not particularly close to God these days, I guess this is God-pursuing-me kind of feeling? I am writing this down so in the future I will have no right to claim any glory, because God has called me first.

I am still not sure where God wants me to go, but with God's help, I am getting ready to give myself to the work of missions. I do not know what to do, but I guess I can wait...

God, I am learning Burmese and Thai, please help.

2010-01-07T16:30:00.002+08:00

一年的过去，一年的到来，我竟然错过了那一刻为失去与到来而百感交集的时刻。我没有对2009年说再见，也没有张开双手去欢迎2010年，或许我对时间的流逝已习惯了吧！又或许，时间的快慢并不是我在乎的；我在乎的是在时间的流逝里头我做了什么。

周遭的人都认为我一直不停得在做事，但我却觉得不够，或者我不满足吧！我对反反复复做着一样的事情而感到厌倦，而且很浪费时间。我想要做一些自己还没做过的事情，又或者用不同的心情做相同的事情而从中有所领悟。希望在这2010年我会有根多的机会做更多有意义的事情。在2009年里，朋友都对我说我的才华，都赞赏我的付出；但我知道我可以做得更好的。我并不是自视过高；而是我清楚自己从来都没有认真付出过。付出过，就算做得不好也不后悔！

旭哥哥，我要对你说离别了。我感激你对我的好，但我不能再让你守护着我，因为我的心在蠢蠢欲动了，它对那未知的世界充满了憧憬，它要飞翔了！我还记得你躺在病床上握着我十岁的手，你说：“螺，我不想死，并不是我害怕，而是我不能放下你”，你咽下生命最后的呼吸，走了。我哭了。你在天堂里看见耶稣了吗？

田螺

2009-11-04T19:47:00.002+08:00

Jesus,
let the world laugh at me,
may I have the strength to do every single thing that You want me to do;
not what the world thinks I should do.

Jesus,
let the world despise me,
may I be transformed into your likeness;
not be conformed to the world.

Jesus,
let the world hate me,
may I have the heart to love it;
not to judge it.

2009-11-04T19:42:00.002+08:00

在孤单的路上，我并不觉得寂寞，因为我有耶稣。
当我选择放弃耶稣的时候，再吵杂的人群里我也觉得寂寞。
原来，孤单并不一定寂寞，寂寞并不一定孤单。

2009-11-03T20:40:00.002+08:00

我不喜欢牵手的感觉，因为我的手会冒汗，而且那感觉就像被牵制翅膀的小鸟，少了自由，再也飞不起来了。而且，依我的高度，应该很难找到一个完美高度的牵手另一半吧？

但，我喜欢拥抱的感觉。拥抱给于安全感，就好像互相躲进对方的拥护里头。我喜欢你柔柔地靠在我怀里，也喜欢你双手很紧很紧地环抱着我。

原来，我喜欢的就是你。

如果你是海，我要变成一条鱼在你怀里畅游。
如果你是海，我要变成一艏船在你喜怒哀乐上乘风作浪。
如果你是海，我要变成一抹洒落在海面上的阳光，为你的美增添光彩。

原来，我爱上了你。

2009-11-03T20:25:00.002+08:00

我想过一个颓废的周末，什么都不做，只想在教会之后去吃一餐丰富的自助餐，然后看一套让我心动的电影，然后去买很多很多的书。什么都不做，就几个我爱的人一起颓废。

原来，颓废也可以是美的。

2009-11-03T10:53:00.003+08:00

LOVE is the lesson that i will spend my lifetime to learn and will never get bored of it. i cannot imagine the day that i stop learning about love, i guess i will be like a tree with no water and sunshine, withering and dying.

2009-11-02T21:50:00.002+08:00

Let's not be afraid of what lies ahead of us, let's face today together. The most important is you and I are here together.

It's so hard not to think about tomorrow and be afraid of it. Unknown lies before us, how can you and I be sure of something that we don't hold in our hands?

I'm not sure about anything, and I know that I don't have to be sure of anything. As long as I have your hand in my hand, and we both walk on the truth, I know that we don't have to be afraid.

2009-08-08T19:55:00.002+08:00

we re-learned about code blue and CPR yesterday. it was so hard for me not to think about you, and i spent all my energy to fight back my tears. how can i let you know that i miss you so much? i miss the time that when i was clueless and i lost, i just knew that i could go to you. it was you who fully supported me in every single way, to encourage me not to give up praying for my parents and sharing Christ with them. my parents were so attracted to you and they respected you so much because of you love and humility. they always told me that they could see Jesus in you.

i miss those time that you walked quietly with me when i was struggling to give up on nursing, your love and presence always directed me back to focus on God. do you know that i was feeling like a proud son when i saw you preaching in AS Wesley? i so wanted to be able to be like you to love the people around me and also preach the word of God with authority and wisdom. i have been falling, sometimes when i fall i say to myself if only you were still around, you would be able to help me, but i guess it's really time for me to move on, but i miss you.

i had a dream. i was losing someone dear in the dream. i could not remember who was that person in my dream, but i was just crying so hard until i woke up from my dream, missing you.

hope to see you soon.

2009-07-27T18:05:00.004+08:00

recently, i'm so crazy about ballet. the graceful movements inspire me to direct my musical.
I

2009-07-16T19:04:00.002+08:00

ni ba mi mi chang zai na yi fu mian ju hou?

na xie mi mi dou bei zhe xie mian ju mei hua le ma?

hai shi na xie mi mi dou ba ta men chou hua le?

2009-07-16T18:45:00.002+08:00

ru guo,

wo ke yi zhan zai zhe jiao shi shang,

shuang shou huan bao ni,

xiu zhe ni de xiu fa,

gan jue zhe ni de ti wen...

ru guo.

2009-06-29T14:32:00.002+08:00

29 June 2009 2:33pm Hot Day

Do you sometimes look back and wish that you did not take the road that you are on? Which road would you choose then if you did not choose this? I looked back and wished for a chance to choose again' then He whispered into my ear saying "with me, everyday is a new walk".

I like to listen to Kris Allen.

2009-06-26T15:53:00.002+08:00

26 June 2009 3:59pm Rained and Sun is hidding

I went to buy some gifts for the Sunday School kids. I broke down and cried when I saw those small little colouring cards with phrases like, 'Jesus cares' and 'Trust Jesus', printed on them, my heart broke down and cried. I love this song!

I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who givesAnd takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cryYou raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rollsI barely hear You whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy fallsI raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth